OK, so you’ve decided to take that heart-pounding step and visit a nudist resort for the first time. Congratulations! You’ve now joined a contented group of humans who have to explain to their doctor why they have no tan lines. You’ll be part of an elite cadre who often forget to put on pants — or at least a muumuu — to go walk the dog.
You may have questions as you prepare for this important step on your journey to social nudism. Never fear, the Nomadic Nudists have the answers! So let’s begin with these Frequently Asked Questions.
Q. I know this sounds silly, but what do I wear the first time to a nudist resort?
A. That’s not silly. You know what’s silly? Those balloon animal hats that drunk adults wear at the state fair. Or elaborate, gender reveal parties.
No, not silly at all, and in fact very important. That’s because dressing for social nudism is so much more than bringing matching towels and beach bag. First, let’s talk about footwear.
At the pool, we’ve seen women wear high heels and men wear loafers with green dress socks. You don’t need to do that. In fact, don’t do that, especially for your first time at a nudist resort. It just doesn’t make sense to walk around like you’re at a nightclub or showed up for a business meeting “just like in the dream.”
What makes sense are flip flops. These versatile workhorses were invented by the ancient Southern Californians who, after six bong hits of Colombian Red, had to find a way to get from the beach to the Dairy Queen without burning their feet on the asphalt. Instead of putting their shoes back on, they tore up pieces of cardboard from their empty beer case and tied them to their feet with seaweed.
The thing about flip flops is that you can — follow me closely here — take them off and put them back on easily. No bending down. No tying laces. That’s the point of being naked at the pool folks. No shirt, no shoes, no pants, no problem.
Speaking of no pants, some people do elect to wear a wrap or sarong. This makes it easy when you’re walking around making new friends or eating at the restaurant, and you don’t want to carry a towel all the time. It can actually be very stylish in a South Pacific sort of way. However, if you see someone with a sarong trying to do the hula, please inspect the contents of their cooler.
Finally, if you’re staying for a dance you’ll have to decide if you want to just go naked or dress up a little. Note: This is a good time for women to wear those heels, but NOT the time for men’s loafers with green socks. Please.
If the dance is themed or celebrating a holiday like Halloween, New Year’s Eve, or National Limerick Day, then it’s a lot of fun to bring an outfit that shows your full participation.
Q. I’m bored. What is there to do?
A. What do we look like, your mom and dad?
OK, sorry, that was harsh. If it’s your first time at a nudist resort and you get bored of lying around in the sun, sipping a refreshing beverage, and forgetting about your job or cares back home, you can always try:
Reading. Entire books have been written about the benefits of reading. It’s entertaining, informative, educational and entertaining. Which means it can help keep you from getting bored. I recommend starting with this blog.
Play mental games. When I say “mental games,” I don’t mean giving your partner a guilt trip because he/she/non-binary-gender-fluid forgot the towels (see next FAQ). I’m talking about playing a game of chess, checkers, Rummy Cube, Monopoly or other bored … er, board games.
Or you could play a rousing game of penny poker. Just lay down some ground rules on where the other players can stash the money they use to feed the kitty.
Play physical games. Nudists resorts are known for physical games, but if you’re giggling at that statement, get your mind out of the gutter. Social nudism is NOT about sex. Let me repeat: NOT. ABOUT. SEX. However, it is often about:
Pickleball – OK, I do giggle at the name of this sport because, well, I’m juvenile. But all snickering aside, this is one activity full of action-packed action. Combining table-tennis-like moves with badminton-like danger and — optionally — a 32-ounce cup of vodka-spiked Gatorade, this sport is bound to take the “bore” out of your boredom.
Tennis – Most resorts are converting their tennis courts to pickleball courts, so forget I even brought this up.
Water volleyball – This is when a bunch of nudists obediently wade into a pool when they hear a bell ring or someone scream “Volleyball!” Once in the pool, they mill about, occasionally yelling “ouch” when a round, inflatable object strikes their head. It’s a lot of fun. They say.
Petanque – If you like lobbing balls (or boules) toward another boule (or ball) instead of at someone’s head, you’re going to get a real kick out of Petanque.
Other activities. Not the competitive type? You can still get physical by:
Walking – Huh?
Dancing – If you’re fortunate enough to have visited the resort on a weekend when they have a dance, you’ll be saying “Bored? Who’s bored?” Nudist resort dances are fun, fun, fun. Especially near the end when everyone is loosened up enough that they dance like nobody’s watching. Except, we are watching.
Karaoking – Get out there and exercise your vocal cords, and our ear canals, by belting out your favorite shower tune. Or Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville. And don’t be embarrassed. You’re a good singer. Really.
Q. I’ve been playing pickleball in 90-degree weather and I want to rest my sweaty, bare ass on furniture I don’t own. Is that acceptable?
A. No! Do we really have to have this conversation? Really?
Q. My skin turned pink. Then it went red. Now it’s bubbling up like frying bacon. What should I do?
A. This experience has happened to many first time nudist resort visitors. Fortunately, medical science has spent decades and billions of dollars researching this affliction and have come up with a name for it. They call it “sunburn” and the important thing to remember is that it results from sitting out in the “Sun.”
If your skin now looks like a hazmat situation, there’s not much you can do. The ship has sailed. The horse has left the barn. The dog has licked his whistle (I have no idea what that means). Experts suggest coating your body in mayonnaise to ease the pain. Or maybe it’s aloe vera. You might also consider getting out of the sun for a while.
Anyhoo, the thing to do is to prevent the burn in the first place. Experts recommend coating yourself in mayonnaise. Or maybe it’s sunscreen.
If you use sunscreen, make sure it has “blocks.” Blocks are the little things that allow the good rays in (Stevie Ray, Billy Ray) and bounce the harmful rays (Genghis Ray, Saddam Ray) back out into space. The higher the number of blocks, the better. So, 50-block sunscreen has a much more effective Good Ray-to-Bad-Ray exchange ratio than 15 block. Of course, I could be making all of this up.
Sunglasses are a necessity and hats are very helpful, especially if your scalp decided to embrace nudism by shedding hair years ago.
Let us know if you have any other questions, and we’ll be sure to misguide you on your adventure into social nudism. Cheers!