We were tasked by the U.S. Government to develop a screening test to help them determine who is a true nudist, and who is just a poser. (Don’t act so surprised: The government is always tasking us with something.) So we came up with these 10 questions. See how well you can answer them.
True or False.
1) Nudism was first discovered in 1962 by a German scientist, Johann Krinklebum, when his clothes caught on fire while he was trying to invent trousers with an electrically zippered fly.
_ True _ False
2) Humans are born completely dressed in pajamas so they don’t offend anyone in the delivery room. Also, the pajamas are silk to make it easier for the infant to slide through the birth canal.
3) Arnold Schwarzenegger coined the term “In the buff.”
Multiple choice. Choose the correct answer.
4) Proper nudist etiquette requires that when you’re nude you always sit on:
_The Prime Minister of Australia
5) Cornhole is:
_A medical condition caused by overeating at a potluck in Nebraska
_Exactly one and three-quarters of an inch across
_Any member of the Westboro Baptist Church
_A game that is popular with American nudists
6) Pickleball is:
_When a nude man spills his vodka tonic on his crotch
_A lottery with the prize being a lifetime supply of cucumbers
_A popular code name used by Russian spies
_A popular racquet game played by nudists
7) When talking to another nudist it’s perfectly OK to admire their:
_Insulated drink cup
_All of the above
Test your math skills.
8) Johnny walks 5 blocks west to the bus stop. He then takes the bus 6 miles east to the YMCA. He gets off the bus, but realizes he forgot to put on his pants. So he gets on another bus to go back home but it’s a different route and it goes 3 miles south, 1.5 kilometers north and 6 leagues west. When Johnny gets off the bus, the police are waiting and they drive him 19 miles north to downtown where they lock him up in a jail cell 3 feet wide by 18 parsecs high.
Question: Is Johnny a nudist, and if so, why? Choose the best answer below:
_Yes, because he was going to the YMCA
_No, because he went back home to get his pants
_ 24 hectares and 1 cow
_Yes, because nudism is about freedom, body acceptance and personal choice, and NOT the ability to get properly dressed
Show your critical thinking skills.
9) Write a 1,500-word essay explaining why it’s a bad idea to ride in the World Naked Bike Ride without a bicycle seat.
10) Choose the best answer to complete the following sentence:
When nudists get cold they _________________
_Immerse themselves in a vat of steamed spinach
_Put on clothes
Congratulations! You may, or may not, have answered all the questions correctly. Nobody will ever know. Especially the U.S. Government. But feel free to share your answers with your friends and family.